rurounihime (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rurounihime) wrote2004-09-07 12:20 pm
rurounihime) wrote2004-09-07 12:20 pm
(no subject)
First off, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lilysunshine1 has updated Hit the Floor! H/D, hard R. Winding down to the finish with this one, and an exciting finish it is proving to be!
It All Comes Down to This
...
And now... for your personal entertainment, I give you the brainchild of my long-sleep-deprived mind when given the prompt of rewriting The Iliad. Of course, I could not simply stop there. This is the complete saga of Troy and what followed.
Bro whose name Ru can't remember: Ack! My wife has run off with the upstart milkboy Paris! MUST GAIN MARITAL VENGEANCE! Brother, dear, please sacrifice your eldest daughter so that I can get my good for nothing tramp back.
Agamemnon: Uhhhh.... have to discuss this with the wifey. She complains....Oh sweety, I have a tiny favor to ask... *whisper whisper whisper* ... and if I don't, he's going to go all pissy on me. You understand, don't you dear?
Clytemnestra: Oh, of course, darling. Just be aware that I will gut you and rip out your eyes like our neighbor Oedipus should you actually go through with it, kill our daughter, survive Achilles' magical sexiness, and return whole.
Ag: Right on, love. Oh, brother dear! Just let me slaughter my bee-yootiful child like a helpless swine and we can go regain your strumpet.
(clash clash sail sail war war war war war war war war Achilles war war war war war Trojan horse stupid Trojans war war war war VICTORY!!!!)
Ag: Uh... hey bro... where the hell is Helen?
Bro: Fuck if I know
Ag: Eh.
Odysseus: Dudes! Gonna go home, see the wife, greet my little darling son, and live happily ever after! Ciao, y'all!
Sea God: Yeah, screw that, I hate you. DOWN WITH ODYSSEUS! Here you go, Ody.
Ody: Wha...?
Sea God: Your daily planner for the next ten years.
Ody: Sea nymphs, sirens, Circe the pig witch... you sure this is a punishment?
Poseidon (as Ru FINALLY remembers his Greek name): Dude, got you down for a six headed monster and a giant soul sucking whirlpool.
Od: Right, kthnx.
Penelope: Oh woe is me. Telemachus! There are a thousand men in my house and they all want to have sex with me! At once! Quick run down to the bar on the corner and get your dad.
Telemachus: Mummy, he's at the WAR, duh.
Penny: War, bar, same difference. Tell you what. I'll make a tapestry for fun and you go find your dad because no one beats his midnight lovin'.
(meanwhile, back at the ranch...)
Ag: Honey bunch! I'm home with a new concubine who can see the future! Yet I will not listen as she repeatedly tries to warn me about you doing what you already warned me you would do.
Cly: Kay, love, I've put out a red carpet so it does not get ruined by the blood that will soon come spilling from your damn child-murdering jugular.
(slice crash jump roar swoon evil laugh oh-woe-is-me-from-seer-concubine slice bash spew spew spew spew spew from opened child-murdering jugular)
Cly: Kay, I'm off. My son ain't gonna like this little turn of events, no sir. Throw the carpet in the wash and let's GO.
(meanwhile on the open ocean...)
Ody: Duuuuuuuude! Untie me from this fucking mainmast, I gotta go get with the gorgeous chicks!
Crew: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! There be a blind prophet!
Teiresias: By all the powers that be there will come a day when you shall realize that you are NOT the king of Thebes and that you killed your own dad and banged your own mum and now--
Ody: Dude. Chill. That's not me.
Teiresias: *checks daybook* Riiiiiiight. Sorry. Off you go.
(back at the homestead...)
Penny: Get the fuck out of my begonias you ingrates!
(back on the not-so-open island on the much-more-open ocean....)
Cyclops: Daddy says I KEEL you now!
Ody: GOUGE! MAIM! THRASH! POKE EYE OUT!
Cyclops: *is blind*
Poseidon: Dude, you are cruisin' for a bruisin'.
Ody: *grabs hold of ship as mad daddy throws him somewhere far far far away*
Calypso: Gasp! a MAN! Get ready to pleasure my nymphish bits, chippendale.
Ody: Heh. Heheh. Heheheh.
(back home...)
Telemachus: Mummy, Daddy ain't at the bar and the war's over, and Clytemnestra gutted Aggie, and there are MEN in your begonias!
Penny: It's all good. Your pa does this all the time.
Telemachus: Mummy, you really suck at weaving. It's almost like you're going backwards. But that cant be right.
(back on the island...)
Calypso: It's rainin' men.... it's rainin' men...
Ody: Hey... didn't I have a wife?
Calypso: Heh. Heheh. Heheheh.
Ody: Kay, think the missus might be getting a little suspicious and all...
(back on Agamemnon ranch...)
Orestes: My GOD, Mother! Couldn't you have waited to kill Dad until I was OUT of college? Now I have to put my education on hold and come back and KEEL you.
Cly: I see you've brought your three little tramps with you! I thought I told you I didn't allow that kind of behavior here! They'll have to sleep in the garage.
Furies: HISSSSSSS....
Orestes: *dramatically slays mum*
Cly: *is dramatically dead*
Furies: Dude. Crime against your madre. Hasta la vista, baby.
Orestes: Ladies, you're trippin'! She axed my dad first!
Jerry Springer: Let's all take a lesson from what we've heard today. Sometimes it seems that family strife gets the better of us all. But it's important to remember that even though your parents fight, and divorce, and slice each other's guts open with red hot pokers, it's not your fault. You are still the most important--
Orestes: *kicks Jerry's head off*
Furies: Okay, for services to humanity, we grant you a stay of sentence.
Orestes: Thankee.
(back at the good ol' *coughcheatinghusbandcough* homestead...)
Men in begonias: Pen, we're coming out of the begonias now to grab you and sex you up.
Penny: My double-barreled shot gun begs to differ, homeboys.
Telemachus: Mummy! Found a weird oddly strong and father-like old beggar man!
Penny: Got a test for y'all. You string the big phallus-shaped bow, you can give your phalluses a new home.
Men who up until recently resided in the begonias: ahumminahumminahummina
First man: Fuck! Broke a nail!
Penny: Ha.
Second man: Fuck! Broke my hand!
Penny: Ha ha.
Third man: Fuck! Fractured my phallus!
Telemachus: Hey, alliteration!
Old oddly father-like beggar man: Give me the phallussssss SHAPED bow. Ha. Bet y'all thought I was talking about that guy's dick.
*strings bow*
Telemachus: Dude.
Penny: You better fuckin' be my hubby or I'm gonna jam this shot gun right up your--
Men who were once in the begonias: BUGGER!
Old oddly father-like beggar man: *strips clothing*
Everyone else: EEEEWWWWW!!! PUT IT BACK ON FOR THE LOVE OF ZEUS!
Ody: Pshhh. No respect. This is GREECE, dammit. Home of the naked man sports.
Penny: IS THAT A SEA NYMPH HICKEY I SEE ON YOUR CHEST????
Ody: Gonna kill y'all now for trying to bed my woman.
(stab skewer slash cut slash slash slash slash no not that kind of slash dumkopf cut cut parry slice impale pow bash bam whammo dunna nunna nunna nunna nunna BATMAN wham bang boom POW wipe forehead)
Penny: *twirls flag boredly* My hero.
Ody: Son, your first manly duty is to--
Telemachus: Get a wife?
Ody: No.
Telemachus: Go to war?
Ody: No.
Telemachus: Save the *coughcheatinghusbandcough* homestead?
Ody: Half-pint. Shut the fuck up. Your duty is to hose the blood off the carpets, get the guts out of the rafters, throw the severed limbs out the window, and ignore any sounds you may hear from the bedroom.
Penny: You better be up to snuff, buddy. I ain't been laid in TWENTY YEARS.
THE END
...
So. That's what happens when I chat with my good buddy Colin on AIM.
lilysunshine1 has updated Hit the Floor! H/D, hard R. Winding down to the finish with this one, and an exciting finish it is proving to be!It All Comes Down to This
...
And now... for your personal entertainment, I give you the brainchild of my long-sleep-deprived mind when given the prompt of rewriting The Iliad. Of course, I could not simply stop there. This is the complete saga of Troy and what followed.
Bro whose name Ru can't remember: Ack! My wife has run off with the upstart milkboy Paris! MUST GAIN MARITAL VENGEANCE! Brother, dear, please sacrifice your eldest daughter so that I can get my good for nothing tramp back.
Agamemnon: Uhhhh.... have to discuss this with the wifey. She complains....Oh sweety, I have a tiny favor to ask... *whisper whisper whisper* ... and if I don't, he's going to go all pissy on me. You understand, don't you dear?
Clytemnestra: Oh, of course, darling. Just be aware that I will gut you and rip out your eyes like our neighbor Oedipus should you actually go through with it, kill our daughter, survive Achilles' magical sexiness, and return whole.
Ag: Right on, love. Oh, brother dear! Just let me slaughter my bee-yootiful child like a helpless swine and we can go regain your strumpet.
(clash clash sail sail war war war war war war war war Achilles war war war war war Trojan horse stupid Trojans war war war war VICTORY!!!!)
Ag: Uh... hey bro... where the hell is Helen?
Bro: Fuck if I know
Ag: Eh.
Odysseus: Dudes! Gonna go home, see the wife, greet my little darling son, and live happily ever after! Ciao, y'all!
Sea God: Yeah, screw that, I hate you. DOWN WITH ODYSSEUS! Here you go, Ody.
Ody: Wha...?
Sea God: Your daily planner for the next ten years.
Ody: Sea nymphs, sirens, Circe the pig witch... you sure this is a punishment?
Poseidon (as Ru FINALLY remembers his Greek name): Dude, got you down for a six headed monster and a giant soul sucking whirlpool.
Od: Right, kthnx.
Penelope: Oh woe is me. Telemachus! There are a thousand men in my house and they all want to have sex with me! At once! Quick run down to the bar on the corner and get your dad.
Telemachus: Mummy, he's at the WAR, duh.
Penny: War, bar, same difference. Tell you what. I'll make a tapestry for fun and you go find your dad because no one beats his midnight lovin'.
(meanwhile, back at the ranch...)
Ag: Honey bunch! I'm home with a new concubine who can see the future! Yet I will not listen as she repeatedly tries to warn me about you doing what you already warned me you would do.
Cly: Kay, love, I've put out a red carpet so it does not get ruined by the blood that will soon come spilling from your damn child-murdering jugular.
(slice crash jump roar swoon evil laugh oh-woe-is-me-from-seer-concubine slice bash spew spew spew spew spew from opened child-murdering jugular)
Cly: Kay, I'm off. My son ain't gonna like this little turn of events, no sir. Throw the carpet in the wash and let's GO.
(meanwhile on the open ocean...)
Ody: Duuuuuuuude! Untie me from this fucking mainmast, I gotta go get with the gorgeous chicks!
Crew: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! There be a blind prophet!
Teiresias: By all the powers that be there will come a day when you shall realize that you are NOT the king of Thebes and that you killed your own dad and banged your own mum and now--
Ody: Dude. Chill. That's not me.
Teiresias: *checks daybook* Riiiiiiight. Sorry. Off you go.
(back at the homestead...)
Penny: Get the fuck out of my begonias you ingrates!
(back on the not-so-open island on the much-more-open ocean....)
Cyclops: Daddy says I KEEL you now!
Ody: GOUGE! MAIM! THRASH! POKE EYE OUT!
Cyclops: *is blind*
Poseidon: Dude, you are cruisin' for a bruisin'.
Ody: *grabs hold of ship as mad daddy throws him somewhere far far far away*
Calypso: Gasp! a MAN! Get ready to pleasure my nymphish bits, chippendale.
Ody: Heh. Heheh. Heheheh.
(back home...)
Telemachus: Mummy, Daddy ain't at the bar and the war's over, and Clytemnestra gutted Aggie, and there are MEN in your begonias!
Penny: It's all good. Your pa does this all the time.
Telemachus: Mummy, you really suck at weaving. It's almost like you're going backwards. But that cant be right.
(back on the island...)
Calypso: It's rainin' men.... it's rainin' men...
Ody: Hey... didn't I have a wife?
Calypso: Heh. Heheh. Heheheh.
Ody: Kay, think the missus might be getting a little suspicious and all...
(back on Agamemnon ranch...)
Orestes: My GOD, Mother! Couldn't you have waited to kill Dad until I was OUT of college? Now I have to put my education on hold and come back and KEEL you.
Cly: I see you've brought your three little tramps with you! I thought I told you I didn't allow that kind of behavior here! They'll have to sleep in the garage.
Furies: HISSSSSSS....
Orestes: *dramatically slays mum*
Cly: *is dramatically dead*
Furies: Dude. Crime against your madre. Hasta la vista, baby.
Orestes: Ladies, you're trippin'! She axed my dad first!
Jerry Springer: Let's all take a lesson from what we've heard today. Sometimes it seems that family strife gets the better of us all. But it's important to remember that even though your parents fight, and divorce, and slice each other's guts open with red hot pokers, it's not your fault. You are still the most important--
Orestes: *kicks Jerry's head off*
Furies: Okay, for services to humanity, we grant you a stay of sentence.
Orestes: Thankee.
(back at the good ol' *coughcheatinghusbandcough* homestead...)
Men in begonias: Pen, we're coming out of the begonias now to grab you and sex you up.
Penny: My double-barreled shot gun begs to differ, homeboys.
Telemachus: Mummy! Found a weird oddly strong and father-like old beggar man!
Penny: Got a test for y'all. You string the big phallus-shaped bow, you can give your phalluses a new home.
Men who up until recently resided in the begonias: ahumminahumminahummina
First man: Fuck! Broke a nail!
Penny: Ha.
Second man: Fuck! Broke my hand!
Penny: Ha ha.
Third man: Fuck! Fractured my phallus!
Telemachus: Hey, alliteration!
Old oddly father-like beggar man: Give me the phallussssss SHAPED bow. Ha. Bet y'all thought I was talking about that guy's dick.
*strings bow*
Telemachus: Dude.
Penny: You better fuckin' be my hubby or I'm gonna jam this shot gun right up your--
Men who were once in the begonias: BUGGER!
Old oddly father-like beggar man: *strips clothing*
Everyone else: EEEEWWWWW!!! PUT IT BACK ON FOR THE LOVE OF ZEUS!
Ody: Pshhh. No respect. This is GREECE, dammit. Home of the naked man sports.
Penny: IS THAT A SEA NYMPH HICKEY I SEE ON YOUR CHEST????
Ody: Gonna kill y'all now for trying to bed my woman.
(stab skewer slash cut slash slash slash slash no not that kind of slash dumkopf cut cut parry slice impale pow bash bam whammo dunna nunna nunna nunna nunna BATMAN wham bang boom POW wipe forehead)
Penny: *twirls flag boredly* My hero.
Ody: Son, your first manly duty is to--
Telemachus: Get a wife?
Ody: No.
Telemachus: Go to war?
Ody: No.
Telemachus: Save the *coughcheatinghusbandcough* homestead?
Ody: Half-pint. Shut the fuck up. Your duty is to hose the blood off the carpets, get the guts out of the rafters, throw the severed limbs out the window, and ignore any sounds you may hear from the bedroom.
Penny: You better be up to snuff, buddy. I ain't been laid in TWENTY YEARS.
THE END
...
So. That's what happens when I chat with my good buddy Colin on AIM.
no subject
The keyboard is fine, and I hope your laptop is okay now too!
no subject
no subject
But yes, take Dell to the cleaners with the new parts. :)