HOW TO HAVE A FANGIRL SHIP-WAR

[rurounihime]

Welcome to lilysunshine1 and rurounihime's HOW TO HAVE A FANGIRL SHIP-WAR.

In the Harry Potter fandom, ship-wars are a very common and very important occurance. Fangirls everywhere must learn how to effectively defend their ship, as well as how to sink all others!

Now, we realize that you are all busy with homework, friends, hopelessly world ending adolescent crushes, trips to the orthodontist and dealing with parents who do not believe you, as a fourteen year old girl, should be on the internet as much as you are, so we've put together an easy How-to guide to dealing with ship-wars.

We've prepared a sample fangirl ship-war in order to most effectively demonstrate the process. This is an argument that takes place between Fangirl!Lils and Fangirl!Ru in response to a Harry/Draco fic. Rated R for language.

(The first and most important aspect of fangirl arguing is the use of caps lock. It is your best weapon.)

Fangirl!Ru: OMGWTF HOW COULD U DO THIS??? HARRY IS NTO GAY! HES NOT HES NOT HES NTO WHAT IS TEH MATTER WITH ALL U DRACO/HARY PEEPS CANT U SEE HES NOT GAY???? HARRY/HERMIONE 4EVA! FOR. EVA. DRACOS A PERV ND NEEDS TO SUFER SUFFRE DAM IT SUFFER HARRY/HERMIONE IS TEH ONLY SHIP!

(Rule number one: Remember to use OMGWTF, and all acronyms, as much as possible. Please pay careful attention to the strenuous application of this rule throughout the argument.)

Fangirl!Lils: HARRY/HERMIONE IS WRONG WRONG WROG I TELL U ITS HARRY AND GINNY ALL THE WAY PLZKTHNKS! HERMONE IS AN UGLY BITCH WITH BAD HARE I DONT CARE WHAT U STUPD HARRY/HERMINE PPL SAY! WTF!

(This rebuttal demonstrates the use of PLZKTHNKS, another important acronym. It also makes use of heavy insults toward the other person's chosen partner.)

Fangirl!Ru: OMG WAHT R U TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAVE U DONE WITH MARY SUE??? GINNYS A BITCH RED HAIRED AND FRECKLI ND TO MANY BROHTERS. DRACOS GONNA GET WITH MARRY SUE AND HAVE LOTS OF PERFECT CHILDERN HOW DARE U MAKE HIM HAVE SEX WITH HARRY??? I BET U HAD HARRY LOCK HER IN A CLOSET CUZ IF SHE WAAS THERE. HARRY NEEDS A BITCHSLAP AND GET HIM AWAY FORM MARYS MAN!!!

(This one uses run-on sentences, excessive use of the question mark, and is often non-sensical. Notice Fangirl!Ru has threatened physical violence toward Fangirl!Lils at this point.)

Fangirl!Lils: I DONT NO WHAT U MEAN!!! IM MARY SUE U STUPID B*$%H! AND HARRY IS WIT GINNY! I DONT KNOW WHY I EVEN WROTE THAT STUPID THING I HATE HARRY/DRACO SLASH IS AGAINST MY RELIGION AND SLASHERS ARE BAD EBIL PPPL JUST LIKE U! GINNY WILL BEAT HERMINE DOWN CUZ SHE TO UGLY TO BE WIT HARRY! HARRY+GINNY=OTP!!!!

(Be sure to include a good dose of Mary Sue-complex, and a direct insult to slashers everywhere. Never fully spell out a word such as "with", "people", or "because" when a couple of letters or numbers will do. Last but not least, always declare your OTP.))

Fangirl!Ru: OMG U HOR I'M MARY SUE!!! NOT U! ME. AND WTF DID U THINK U WERE DOING THIS FIC IS CALLED HIT THE FLOOR. DUH WHERE WAS THE HERMIONE/SNAPE ACTION U HOR??? I KEPT WAITING AND WAITING ND U TOTALLY FORGOT ABUT HERMY COMING TO THE TRANING PLACE FOR 4SOME SEX!!! HIT THE FLOOR IS OBVISLY SNAPE/HERMIONE HARRY WOULD NEVER TREAT ANYONE LIEK THAT U HOR GET OFF YUR ASS ND FIX THE FIC U HOR DID I MENTION U WERE A HOR U HOR?????

(It is absolutely necessary to overuse the word HOR. Protest the absence of your favorite characters, demand the author fix the story to your liking, and likewise demand your favorite pairings, because obviously the author wrote the story wrong.)

Fangirl!Lils: OMG U SAID U WANTED HARRY/HERMIONE AND NOW YOU MAKE HERMIONE CHEAT ON HIM WITH SNAPE WTF U DUMB STUPID THING!?!?!?! AND DONT U DARE CALL ME A HOR UR THE HOR AND UR A HO 2 CUZ U SAID HERMINE AND HARRY WERE 2GETER AND NOW U WANT HERMIONE AND SNAPE AND WTF??? I TOLD U GINNY AND HARRY WERE SUPPOSE 2 BE 2GETHER 4 EVER! HO!

(Reinstate the ultimate-ness of your OTP. Be very careful to counter every insult you receive, and point out flaws in your rival's logic, e.g. Hermoine/Harry vs. Hermione/Snape. And when this happens to you...)

Fangirl!Ru: WTF U DONT KNOW ANYTHING HARRY IS MINE U B@#%&CH NOT YURS OR GINNYS. MINE!!! AND SNAPE IS MINE TOO ND DRACO AND U CAN HAVE GINNY AND THAT HAIRY B#$@%CH TOO! TEH BOYS BELONG 2 ME TRAMP I GET EM NOT U. THEY ALL FLOCK ARUND ME CUZ IM PREFECT PERFECT ND U WANT GINNY 2 GET WIHT HARRY WEN HE TOTLALY BELONGS 2 ME!!!! MINE! MIIIIIINE!

(Resort to nasty verbal bitch-slapping. It is important to claim your characters at this point, just to remind the stupid-ass you are arguing with who is in control here. A nice touch lies in distorting words to show their emphasis: i.e. MIIIIIINE.)

Fangirl!Lils: WTF U CRAZY BITCH!!!! U GO AHEAD AND TAKE HARRY N SNAPE N DRACO CUZ HAGRID N DUMBLEDORE ARE MINE!11!!! I DONT NEED NO STUPID KIDS TO SATISFY ME CUZ I GOTS ME MY GIANT AND MY BEARDED DUDE!!!!! OH N DOBBY IS MINE 2 IN CASE U WERE WONDERIN! U CAN HAVE LUSCIOUS THO, I DONT LIKE HIM. O AND VOLDIMORTE IS MINE 2!!!! DO U WANT TO TAKE RON? CUZ I DON LIKE HIM. HES 2 SQUEAKY.

(Here is a good spot to pick sex partners that no one in their right mind would ever pick, and to pretend you don't care that the other person has claimed your characters. In turn, claim as many as you can while simultaneously insulting others. AND it is always nice to stick some sort of Freudian imagery into the argument, i.e. HAGRID N DUMBLEDORE ARE MINE)

Fangirl!Ru: OMG HOW DARE U CALL RON SQUEAKY U HORISH HOR!! HE IS MANLY ND FIEN AND U R JUST JEALUS CUZ ALL U HAVE IS A BIG GIANT MAN ND A BIRD BEADR FUK BEARD!! AND U CANT HAVE DOOBY HES NOT FOR SAIL CUZ I AM LUSIUSS MARY SUE TOO I KILT NARSISA ND NOW THE HOLE MANOR IS OEN BIG HOR HOUSE! U SHULD COM VIZIT!!! YEH U HERD ME!

(Defend your characters, ladies! Never spell Lucius' name correctly, and claim your houses!)

Fangirl!Lils: U CANT HAVE KILLED NARSISSA CUZ IM NARSISSA! GET IT RIGHT HO! AND I DIDNT WANT LUSCIOUS NEWAYZ CUZ LUSCIOUS IS A PUSSY!! AND RON IS 2 SQUEAKY DIDNT U SEE THE MOVIE??? HE SQUEAKS ALL THE TIME ITS ANNOYING ME!!! AND DOBBY LIKS ME BETTER CUZ NARSISSA IS TEH PRETTYEST MARY SUE!! SHES PERFECT AND PRETTYER THAN UR SKANK ASS! YEAH I SAID TAHT AND ILL SAY IT AGAIN!! U R A SKANK ASS HO!!!

(Remember, it's okay to claim to be more than one character, because you are Mary Sue and can be whoever you want! Keep in mind that the movies are so much more in canon than the books.)

Fangirl!Ru: IM NOT A SKANKS ASS HO UR A SKANKS ASS. HO!! I DONT FUKING NO WAHT A SKANKS ASS IS U HOR BUT IM SHURE U R ONE ND THER IS NO WAY DOBBY LIEKS U BETTER CUZ I ROOL ALL TEH HOUSEELVES ND I DONT REMEMEBER SELLING ONE 2 U!!!! ND WHO CARES IF RON IS SQUEAKY U BITCH MEBBE I LIEK EM SQUEAKY BUT U SHULD NO U HOUSEELF LUVER!!! SKANKS ASS+DOOBY 4EVA BIZNATCH!!!! OTP!!!

(Make it a point to completely misunderstand the insult thrown at you, and be sure to claim yourself king or queen over an entire people. Finish with a barbed insult to your rival's OTP and personal relationships.)

Fangirl!Lils: I DONT CARE WUT U SAY U HO!!!1! AND I TOUGHT U WUZ A HO AND I WUZ A HOR!!! GET IT RITE BIOTCH! AN DOBBY IZ MINE!!! U CAN HAVE WINKY CUZ I DONT LIEK HER NEITHER. AND RON IS A SQUEAKY HO! JUST LIEK U U KNOW U 2 WOULD GET ALONG REEL WELL. N I DONT NEED NO ELFS ANYWAYZ CUZ I GOTS ME SOME PERCY AND SOME CORNELEEUS FUDGE!!! YEH I KNOE UR JEALOUS BUT ULL JUST HAVE TO DEAL. SO DATS DUMBLYDOR+HAGRID+DOBBY+PERCY+CORNELEEUS+NARSISSA(ME)=OT7!!!!!!!! U BETTER REPRESENT HO!!

(Mispell every damn name you can think of! Don't forget the excessive use of exclamation points, and get yourself involved in a physically impossible seven-some with all of your claimed characters, while pairing your opponent with your most hated character. This is the ultimate smack-down.)

Fangirl!Ridicu_liz: EKSEPT FOR STUF ABOUT HARRY/HERMIONE OR HARRY/GINNY - ITS HARRY/CHO!

(Expect others to join in and voice their opinions half-way through.)

Fangirl!Lils: AND YOU DONT KNO WAHT UR TALKING ABUT IMEAN CHO IS SO GROSS!!!!

(Feel free to argue strenuously on two sides at once.)

Fangirl!Ridicu_liz: CHO IS NOT GROS U R! HARRY LIKS QUIDICH AND SO DUZ CHO! HERMY HAS SCARY HARE AND GINNY'S STUPID N DRACO'S GIRLY! HARRY/CHO 4EVA!

(They most likely will not agree with either of your opinions.)

Fangirl!Ru: YEAH WUT SHE SAID CHOS A HOR U BETTER GETOUT OF ARE BUZNESS!

(In fact, in that case it is acceptable to team up with your opponent to oust the newcomer! And switching sides at any time is permitted.)

We hope you have enjoyed this tutorial. Now it is your turn! Please feel free to add on to this argument in any way you see fit. Remember, practice makes perfect!

Comments

[altiloquent.livejournal.com]

*dies* Absolutely hysterical. Hoorah!

[beautifulslash.livejournal.com]

The sad thing is that I've actually seen almost this exact conversation before. And let me just state for the record that Harry/Hermione and Harry/Ginny shippers are all HORS!!1!!!11



<3 Shana

P.S. In case you're wondering who I am, I wrote you an email (from Shana_Miri@yahoo.com) about your fic, and you told me to come to your lj to look for updates.

[danbi.livejournal.com]

Painful to read, and yet so goddamn hilarious. ;)

Um...hor.

Yes. I'm good at it, too!

[ridicu-liz.livejournal.com]

I am honored to have been included in this extremely valuable and highly education tutorial. Bows.

*sooo funny*

U R BOTH SKANKS CUZ ITS MY BIZNUS IF I SAY SO! U WISH CHO WAZ A HO!

Practice makes perfect

[divakitty.livejournal.com]

....

You make me happy.

[unavoidedcrisis.livejournal.com]

oh god, it makes my eyes hurt, yet it's so entertaining....

[mionealterego.livejournal.com]

Here via the Daily Snitch, and let me just say...

OMFG THAT WUZ LIEK TEH FUNIEST THING EVA BUT U R A HO BAG BECUZ U DONT SHIP CHARLIE/GRUBBLY-PLANK!!!!111! FIX IT NOW YOU BIATCH!!!!1!1!!!1111!!!!!

(Did I do that right?)

In all seriousness, that's one of the funniest things I've read in a very long time! Y'all are brilliant! Keep up the good work!) ;-D

[cerulean_eyes.livejournal.com]

I have not been this amused for quite a while. Thank you.

[loupgarou1750.livejournal.com]

my brain is bleeding.

[stellahobbit.livejournal.com]

You know that scene in 'Wayne's World' where the guys finally get to meet Alice Cooper?

You two = Alice Cooper

Me = on my knees and unworthy

Added to my memories when I need to laugh so hard I cry

[caemlyn.livejournal.com]

Here via the daily_snitch

Bloody fucking hilarious!

That is all.

Except, that is, to say, OMGWTF!!!111!!1!!! U TOOOOTALY FORGOT BOUT TEH SQUID!!! TIS SQUIIID/DOBBIE AAL TEH WAY!!11!!! EWES IS HORS COS U FERGETED TEH OTP!! FIX IT NOW U BOLLDY SCAKNKS!!

[minerva-fan.livejournal.com]

::blinks::

here via dailysnitch

My head hurts now.

And everybody knows Hermione has the hots for Professor McGonagall...

DUH.

[miss-peake.livejournal.com]

lmao!!!!! HAAAHHAAA!!! *dies from laughter*

[evilkittymeow.livejournal.com]

ah! i love that!! BTU NO PAR IS ROXXOR ILKE HRARY ADN DCRAO!!1!one!! :)

[asilssim.livejournal.com]

That is unbelievably funny!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_riz/]

Wow, that gave me an actual headache. Good work. ;)

[bessyboo.livejournal.com]

I think I am going to DIE laughing.

My god, that was GREAT! LOL

NOTE: just wanted to alert you to an entire catagory that you missed: EMOCTICONS (and LOL, ROTFL, LMAO, and all combinations thereof). Fangirls almost ALWAYS overuse these, to the point of it being half text/half emocticons.

Other than that, EXULINT JB!!!111!!11 (LMAO)

[jaffa75.livejournal.com]

that was fanfuckingtastic. I haven't laughed that hard in quite some time. Thanks for sharing and making me nearly wet my pants in laughter.

[witchypoet.livejournal.com]

Note that I'm all embarrassed having laughed so hard I fell out of my chair and wet myself (*j/k* about the wetting myself part, but my bum really hurts). Note my eyes hurt, my stomach hurts and I'm still fighting the giggles! That was so awesome!

YOU HORS! YOU FOGOT THE BEST SHIP IN DE WORL!!!! BIOTCH ITS FULL MOONY LUPIN TARIN LUSCIUOS A NEW ONE!!!! GIT IT WRIT! BIATCH!!!!!11!!!!! OPT!

[red-rahl.livejournal.com]

It hurts inside from laughing so hard!!! I will not even pretend to be able to compete in your league, miladies, because I don't think I can misspell that horrifically!!! This is awesome and I hope to never see it used in actuality... (truly, I'm thankful for not having come across this kind of thing all that much...)

You guys are awesome!!!!1111!!!one!!!!

[kashiichan.livejournal.com]

This was so funny that I woke up my whole house laughing. Good on you.

And no, I'm not going to attempt to copy that language, because it burns my eyes.

Adding it to my memories though, as it is hilarious.

[porntestpilot.livejournal.com]

I know this is an odd thing to point out but as my friends like using 14YOG speak for some reason, Hor is the Egyptian word for nose. So it's not really that insulting, technically.

[anyotherknight.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm traipsing through your memories. Don't mind me.

Question though, is mispelling "whore" important in its own right, or just a subordinate in the "mispell every damn thing" rule? I fear my duelling skilz are lacking.

And I was glad to see Luscious included, 'cos he really is.

[silverblue-eyes.livejournal.com]

I was browsing through your memories when I saw this. Now I've got a headache. o.O;;

I've never witnessed a fangirl ship-war before. I don't think I ever want to. This just confused me. And maded me laugh, true. But mostly it confused me.

*shrugs*

Great tutorial, anyway. ^_~

[fireelemental79.livejournal.com]

Just for the record, you 2 are insane and this was damn awesome and I think I'll print it out and hang it on my ceiling and memorize it until I can be a whacked out fangirl too.

The end.