Ru's Depressing Drabble # 5

[rurounihime]

In the grand recent tradition of Ru inundating you all with short depressing H/D drabble, I present this. I think I have cleansed something though, so hopefully happier pieces will follow.

DISCLAIMER: Not my boys. They belong to JK. *sob* Contains SLASH.

Rated R, unless people think it should be higher.

"I have to go," Harry said in a low voice.

Draco frowned absently from where he sat against the wall. Harry sat across the narrow room from him, toying with his wand. His green eyes were fixed on Draco from beneath his lashes.

"Now?"

"Soon."

Harry rose slowly, reluctantly. He stood there, biting his lip, looking down at Draco. The Slytherin knew his own expression was faintly accusatory, and struggled to wipe it away. To put something more appropriate in its place. But he had lost a little of the control he normally possessed, and it was difficult.

Harry sighed and looked away. "Draco, I just want you to know that... to know that..."

He broke off, shaking his head. Draco felt his stomach roll. He scrambled to his feet and took an unsteady step toward Harry. The other man backed up a bit, more out of allowance for his forward movement than surprise. Their eyes met.

"You have to fight him? Now." Draco swallowed, staring hard at Harry. The Gryffindor's shoulders lifted sadly.

"Dumbledore says he's coming. That it's time."

"Harry--"

Harry shied away from Draco's outstretched arm, backing into the closed door. He hugged himself in the dim light. "Draco, I'm... I..."

Draco's heart twinged painfully. He stepped toward Harry more slowly, and this time, the other young man allowed him to enfold him in his arms. Draco did so carefully, leaning them back against the door and resting his head on Harry's shoulder, suddenly unwilling to ever let this warm body loose from his grasp.

Harry's voice came softly to his ear. "There's never enough time. For us."

Draco leaned back, turning Harry's face to his and pressing a soft kiss on his lips. "You have me right now. Until you go."

Harry shook his head so sorrowfully that Draco couldn't breathe. "But I wanted to... you-- a-and I... and now..."

Draco swallowed against the dread that was slowly inflating in his chest. He saw what Harry was getting at through a milky haze, tasted the defeat that accompanied it. He knew the best way to banish it, but wasn't sure if Harry could take it right now. The boy was about to crumble, right there in his arms.

"There's time, Harry." Draco let his hands drift down to Harry's waist, tucking his fingers in to undo the buttons of his trousers. Harry looked up at him slowly, blinking, and suddenly his breath caught and he grabbed Draco's hands.

"No." Harry was shaking his head, more at himself than at Draco. "I can't. You can't."

Draco entwined his fingers with Harry's and pulled him closer, kissing his throat lightly.

"Why won't you let me give this to you?" he whispered, feeling his voice shake. He could almost feel the quiver of Harry's throat against his lips.

Harry did not even look at him. "Because you should give it to someone who... I may not be here. To return it."

Draco looked at Harry for what felt like ages. The young man's head was turned from him, eyes closed. He looked as if he were sleeping, standing against the door, except... The tiniest shivers of emotion broke through in the way his lips tightened. An avalanche of pain, just waiting to tumble. To overtake and bury.

Draco knelt, pulling his eyes from Harry and began to undo the buttons on his trousers, slowly. Which is why he didn't see the expression on Harry's face when he spoke.

"Draco... no. Please don't..."

He didn't answer, only slid Harry's pants and boxers down, gradually revealing pale skin untouched by the sun. Harry's hands on his shoulders, fingers gripping, pleading silently with him to stop, yet not removing his hands.

"Draco..."

"Shhhh..." Draco pressed a gentle kiss to the space just below Harry's navel, felt the muscles there shiver. He turned to kiss Harry's hip, letting his lips linger.

Harry's body was shaking when Draco took him into his mouth, and he ran gentle hands over his hips, steadying the jerky movement he felt there. At some point, Harry's gasps became sobs, his fingers tangling in Draco's hair, and Draco felt something tear irreversibly in his chest. He felt Harry slump, clinging to his neck and shoulder with wide clutching hands. Hot tears dripping into his hair. Draco squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to feel them.

Harry came with a violent jerk, arching against the wall. Draco released him silently and rested his head against Harry's stomach, sliding his arms around to his back and clinging there. Harry's fingers wove into his hair, warm points on his scalp, and his body hitched somewhere between deep breaths and quieting sobs. For a long time, Draco just sat there listening to the muted thud of Harry's heart. If he moved it would all flood away and he couldn't have that. Not yet.

He felt Harry lift his head, drawing him to his feet. He pulled Harry's fallen clothing up as he stood, focusing on buckling his pants and setting everything to rights instead of on the eyes he knew were fixed on him.

"Why did you... Draco...?"

Draco shook his head wordlessly. Harry was breathing softly, he could feel the tiny suck and pull as if they came from his own lungs. He heard Harry swallow, heard the tears still waiting behind his eyes.

"Draco."

This time Draco looked up, met Harry's eyes, and saw that they were red and wide, about to shut down again. He raised a hand, cursing himself for its tremble, and took Harry's chin gently, holding his face still. He tried to speak but his throat was closed.

Harry's face threatened to collapse. "I don't want to go."

Draco listened to the words, looked into Harry's eyes and heard instead, I don't want to die.

I don't want to leave you.

"I want... you to bring this back," Draco whispered. "To me."

Harry nodded shakily. His eyes flickered all over Draco's face, and he watched them, spellbound, thinking that maybe time had taken pity on him and frozen. In a sudden movement, Harry pulled Draco in and kissed him deeply, tugging at him as if he needed to pull him inside his own body. Draco would have been happy to go.

But Harry let go of him instead and turned away, opening the door and walking through it. Draco looked at the wall as he left, until the door closed, until his footsteps faded down the stairs, until the room grew colder. He sat down in the middle of the floor, next to his wand where he had dropped it. Only then did he let the flood come, and allow himself to sink under it.

...
...
...

I tend to channel my current emotions through my writing. Okay, I feel better. Thank you for reading!

Comments

[devon-may.livejournal.com]

Oh. God. Ouch.

My poor heart.

Thank you - really, thank you - for writing this.

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

*gasps and holds out salve and a nice warm teddy bear for your heart*

Thank you so much. I'm... wow. Thank you.

[rubyboots.livejournal.com]

...

*scrunches up face in an effort not to cry*

...

*fails*

WHHHAAA! DON'T GO HARRY!

*Blows nose*

You're a mean person! You split them up! You made my heart weep! Weep I tell you! But even with the pain and the heartache...I'm going to read it again, as it's so good and touching.

But you're still mean!

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

*runs and hides face*

Wahhh! I'm sorry! I love them, really I do! I don't always tear them apart! I know, I know... I need to stop torturing them. But I think I'm done with that for a time.

*supplies you with a million tissues*

Thank you for reading, and for the review. *cuddles*

[licoricegirl.livejournal.com]

I think the only reason I'm not sitting here trying not to cry is that I can convince myself that it all turns out okay, that an hour from now Harry comes back, and they tell say 'I love you's and stay together forever. (I'm allowed to think that, right?)

Harry's voice came softly to his ear. "There's never enough time. For us."

Oh god, I hate the world that makes Harry have to say that. It's so full or regret, and promises that will go unfulfilled, and memories that won't be made.

"Why won't you let me give this to you?" he whispered, feeling his voice shake. He could almost feel the quiver of Harry's throat against his lips.

Harry did not even look at him. "Because you should give it to someone who... I may not be here. To return it."

Oh, Ru, just...owwie. I need a hug. Poor Draco, and oh Harry, how much it must have hurt to say that, because it's something he wants so much but is still thinking of Draco.

Draco listened to the words, looked into Harry's eyes and heard instead, I don't want to die.

Oh and here comes the wibble...I don't want Harry to die either...poor Draco. And then at the end...when he breaks down, again with the ouch! You do angst so well.

On a side note...HELP ME! I applied for an rpg on a whim, as Harry cause Draco was taken, and I kind of got it. (I think they're kind of desperate for players, not sure how long they've been casting) And now I don't know what to do! I'm having a mini freak-out here. I have to come up with a name and a journal and icons...

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

*cries and hugs you forEVER*

Yes, yes, YES! Go ahead and think that everything turns out fine because I LOVE them and I can't imagine them not together! Gahhhhh, thank you so much! I love you. I'm so sorry to continually drag you down into the depths of my whacked out gloominess. I promise more upbeat things in the near future. And besides, we have our challenge coming up! That will heal all wounds. *watery smile*

You don't know how much I love your reviews. *sniffles* Hey, write me a happy prompt and I will reward you with chocolate and yummies and all manner of good things.

RPG: Uh, I don't know how to make icons! Name? What's the theme? Do we know if Harry is snarky in that world or gloomy? Give me info. And for icons, check out beren_writes or nomeremuggle. I'm not sure who else does them.

[chuffing.livejournal.com]

Oh. God. That hurt. *sobs*

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

*hands tissue and cries along with you*

Don't worry, I love them. In my book, they always get a happy ending. Thanks for reading, sweets.

[kaalee.livejournal.com]

For a long time, Draco just sat there listening to the muted thud of Harry's heart.

That. That is where I got all wibbly. wah. *pushes them together*

(I really have nothing else un-sad to say.) *heart* ;)

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

*sniffles and hands you tissues*

Thank you! I'm so happy you liked it. Don't worry, I shall focus on non-wibbly things for a time now, because I love these boys. *snuggles*

[seremanwe.livejournal.com]

Heartwrenching. I actually teared up. Wonderful.

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! *hands tissues over*

Nice icon! ;>

[spacetweenears.livejournal.com]

*sniffs*
*wipes eyes*

You did it again! I loved it!

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

*sniffles back*

Thank you, m'dear! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

*cuddles*

[mishaphappens.livejournal.com]

Dude, you may rewrite my lemon scene. Ru, I adore you. ^__^

So many things in this fic I like, but I don't want to point them out because my muse has been tickled. Tickled, I say! He is in a corner and rolling and I must go shut him up. Recollection first, finish fixing up those two stories you were lovely enough to beta, and THEN maybe these ideas...

*smooch*

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you, luv! I really appreciate it. And I'm glad you liked this piece. I have been on a depressive kick the last week or so... my drabbles have been rather dark and dismal lately. But it means a lot to me that you liked it.

my muse has been tickled. Tickled, I say! He is in a corner and rolling and I must go shut him up.

Write down notes and feed your muse M&Ms. I've found it helps mine calm down a bit.

Thank you!
*kiss*

[ravenfrog.livejournal.com]

Angst from a circumstances-induced break, not a fell-out-of-love break or a couldn't-make-it-work break. Just my thing! And more importantly, very well written.

You said you were channeling, and this was quite heart-breaking, so as one stranger to another over the world wide web: hope you're okay.

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you for the review! I am really happy that it struck such a chord with you. Thank you for the compliment.

Also, thank you for your concern. I'm okay, really. I'm kind of one of those people who thrives on angsty things, so I'm actually fairly happy writing sad stuff, and I need to be really depressed for it to turn bad. Right now, writing is my outlet for the little things, and when all these darker drabbles started coming out, I couldn't pinpoint anything specific and figured there was just something I had to work out of my system. I like inducing those types of emotions in writing because they aren't threatening there, you know? Not like the real-life equivalents. But I'm fine, really. It's when I don't feel like writing at all anymore that I consider it bad, and I am nowhere near that stage. Thank you so much for asking, though. I appreciate your concern. *hugs*

wow...

[aureril.livejournal.com]

Wow.. what a wonderful story.. you got my heart heavy. *teary*

I love the title of this fic.. it actually got me thinking of one Rurouni Kenshin's songs, "Departure".. especially after noticing your nickname. I just love that song. ^_^

Re: wow...

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyy! A Kenshin fan! You have no idea how happy I am that you understood the reference in my nickname. I adore Kenshin, but I am a die-hard OAV fan. Not too keen on the series, mostly because I love the relationship between Tomoe and Kenshin... But, oh my god, this makes me so happy!

Thank you for the review! I am so glad you liked the fic. I am not familiar with the Kenshin song, unfortunately, but... thank you so much for reading, and for liking it so much.

*hugs and throws good anime for your to watch*

[jamie2109.livejournal.com]

So sad. leaving fics really tear at my heartstrings, and this did as well. I could see their pain and fear. Thankyou so much for writing. *sniffle*

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

*cries back*

Thank you so much! Sorry to make you sad; I hope it was cathartic. Thanks for the lovely review.

*hands tissues*

[tipgardner.livejournal.com]

The tiniest shivers of emotion broke through in the way his lips tightened. An avalanche of pain, just waiting to tumble. To overtake and bury.
There were too many gorgeous, aching, heart tearing, catching at my throat images, words, phrases, choices in this fic to list them all here, so more or less at random, I picked one as an emblem.

This piece manages to carry so much emotional weight, so many nuances and unspoken words, meanings, etc. I can barely keep my brain in one place between my ears as I read, grasp, dig deeper, re-read, glaze over in sadness and love and adoration.

You have created a wonderful, emotional, vivid, chills and hotness filled story and I am so glad the dracorocksmysox got me here.

Thank you for writing this amazing piece.

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

I can barely keep my brain in one place between my ears as I read, grasp, dig deeper, re-read, glaze over in sadness and love and adoration.

I can't thank you enough for this compliment. I'm... somewhat speechless, and so glad that it struck you so deeply. It means a lot to me to hear what you thought, and, especially as a writer, to know that my words are doing this to you, the reader. Thank you so much for your review; it is wonderful, and it has made my day.

*throws yummy chocolate*

Thank you for reading my fic.

[enne-de-paix.livejournal.com]

If he moved it would all flood away and he couldn't have that. Not yet.

But if he didn't move at all, Harry would never have gone away and they would have gone and lived together happily ever after and then, once a month, Voldemort would knock on the door and Harry would say he was busy shagging Draco and making pancakes and Voldemort would say 'all right, I'll come back later' and it would carry on like that forever because Voldie's a dumb fuck and I'm so blatantly trying to make stuff up because I didn't want Harry to leave and I can't make myself believe he'll come back.

*wipes away tears*

I'd hate you if you weren't so fucking good.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

they would have gone and lived together happily ever after and then, once a month, Voldemort would knock on the door and Harry would say he was busy shagging Draco and making pancakes and Voldemort would say 'all right, I'll come back later' and it would carry on like that forever because Voldie's a dumb fuck

Oh yes, you are right. I like this ending much better!

Thank you so much! I'm really excited that you liked it, and I'm sorry for being so depressing. But I did leave it open-ended, because I love those boys. I want to see them in a house with a white picket fence as well, making pancakes with maple syrup. Voldie is going DOWN!

Thank you for the wonderful review.

How is your story going, by the way? that poem one?

[evilkittymeow.livejournal.com]

and again... the tears come... i hate it when those boys are apart... it feels like the world is ending and everything is useless and unfair..

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

*sniffles and hands tissues*

I hear ya, girl. I hear ya. They need to be together.

[iamravine.livejournal.com]

You must continue to write these. Moved me to tears...

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

*blushes*

Wow... thank you so much for these comments. They mean... a LOT.

Thank you so much. And don't worry. I will definitely continue writing. *hugs and hands over tissues*

[fianna-fialena.livejournal.com]

*sticks fingers in ears and runs around singing "He won't die! He won't die!"*

Ebil person you! Seperating them like that! But guh. Wonderful ficlet. I've got your memories bookmarked, and you can expect a review on them. ;)

In any case, this was truly perfect. Despite the heartwrenching sadness!

♥

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

Haha, thanks! Wow, I haven't looked at this one in a while. Ooh, I know, I know, ebil, but if you know my fics, you will see that I have a very difficult time leaving them hopeless. In my mind, it's open-ended, but I like being hopeful too. *loves* Thank you this.

[akasha-lilian.livejournal.com]

But Harry does defeat Voldemort and does return to this, to Draco, right!? *sniffs at the beauty of this story*

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

I would love for that to be the case. I don't like giving the boys sad endings, even though I have done it from time to time. This was left open-ended just for that purpose: read it as you wish. I personally see Harry returning whole and sound, and Draco welcoming him back. ^_^

Thanks for reading.

[franalan.livejournal.com]

Oh *cries*
So beautiful and so sad and just WAAAH.
This bit just killed me...I was fine up until then...
In a sudden movement, Harry pulled Draco in and kissed him deeply, tugging at him as if he needed to pull him inside his own body. Draco would have been happy to go.
Thankyou for writing this.
*pretends Harry wins and returns to Draco*

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

Wow, you seem to be tracking through my entire journal, beginning to end! *loves* Thank you for this review. I'm not sure where this fic came from, but it wanted to be written, I remember that.

And yes, let's definitely go the Harry-returns route. Definitely.

Drarry Queen

[(Anonymous)]

This was one of the most painful and yet most beautiful oneshots I've ever read. My heart physically broke while reading this, and yet the writing pulled me in so much, I would gladly read it again.

Fantastic work! You are a Drabble master! It's hard to find good Drarry drabbles but yours are top notch for sure! ;)

Re: Drarry Queen

[rurounihime.livejournal.com]

Eesh, I was really in my downer phase, yeah? ^__^ Thank you for investing yourself emotionally in this. You are a wonderful reader!